Uncle Ton’s been on Guam longer than your landlord’s generator. He’s seen it all, survived it all, and now he’s here to answer all your questions about Guam and island life (sorta).
Sticky Situation
Dear Uncle Ton',
Why does it feel like my face is always wet and my toes are always sticky even when it’s not rainy here?
- Jim
Dear Jim,
You new here or what? That’s just Guam giving you a free facial every damn day. You better get used to feeling like a sticky rice ball by 8AM. Go buy a $5 fan from Honey House and stop complaining. Welcome to paradise, kid.
The Great Shoe Debate
Dear Uncle Ton',
Is it rude if I don’t take my shoes off when entering someone’s house?
- Matt
Dear Matt,
Unless you wanna get side-eyed by three aunties at once...TAKE. OFF. YOUR. SHOES. This is not up for debate. Auntie doesn't care if you have the cleanest Yeezys in the world. You’re tracking dirt, taki, cockroach eggs and bad juju (bad vibes) into somebody’s house. You think you’re too good to see your own toes?
Nino Contract
Dear Uncle Ton',
Someone said I’m now their kid’s “nino” and I just smiled and nodded...what did I agree to?
- Someone’s Confused Nino
Dear Confused Nino,
Oy, you’re in deep now, my friend. You just agreed to be the spiritual ride-or-die for life. Being a nino (or nina) on Guam is more hardcore than just eating cake at the first birthday party and showing up at their graduation 18 years later.
You are expected to:
- Attend every milestone from baptism to graduation to the child’s third cousin’s rosary.
- Give at least one solid gift a year (not something from your late week night run at Ross or Kmart, okay?)
- Be ready to provide spiritual guidance, emotional support, AND emergency money if life hits the fan.
Also, you can’t just “quit” being nino or nina because you’re in it like the mafia, but with more fiesta plates. Congrats par!
